A ‘For F’s sake’ article by Jo Howell
Every now and then I need a metaphorical scream into the abyss. I need to release the monster of oppressive rage into the ether. Let it disperse so the immense pressure doesn’t crush me.
Being in pain all the time is exhausting. Being in pain all the time, and knowing that there’s no cure…
Knowing that the flares will come.
No escape.
No relief.
Modicum’s of comfort squeezed from warmth and rest, but never ever enough to feel recharged.
Perpetually caught between wipeouts and total mental shutdown. A phantom in my own life.
I’m still here, somewhere. Look for me under the codeine and antidepressant pills. I’m probably in the murky depths of self pity. Pissing in my own pocket.
For f@cks sake.
Don’t get sick. Don’t fall. Don’t go out. Remember that thing about spoons.
Forget what you were before. That’s smoke and mirrors, baby.
I’m sure these dots used to connect. But I’m too out of myself to know it.
Jo …things will get better. You may not be shot of the debilitating condition but if my friend and auntie are anything to go by there will be respite times. Your piece is so striking. I know even a hug is painful but have a hypothetical one. 🤗
Thank you Sue 🌟 grateful for the hug x
Your post reminded me of the Munch painting ‘The Scream’ – chronic pain really does feel like a metaphorical scream off a bridge of despair while you’re a ‘phantom in your own life’. Here’s hoping 2024 brings you some relief, and keep writing, you have a way with words.
Thank you Linda ❤️ that’s very kind.