Another for f’s sake article by Jo Howell.

As a fibromyalgia flare begins I start losing words, I walk into things, all over pain causes me to walk slowly and hunched. My voice becomes quiet. All of my muscles including my eyes, voice box and brain go into a nutty close down. That’s as it begins.

Maybe the pain makes me more sensitive but maybe people do get annoyed with me. Thinking I’m not listening or that I’m snarky. My voice doesn’t emote for me. I sound monotone and flat.

Not even fully flared yet hence writing this. Tomorrow is likely a right off. I still have all the things to do that need to be done but I won’t have a choice and once complete shutdown takes over that’s it.

I’ll chomp on painkillers like smarties. I’ll wear heat packs in 25c heat. I might cry a bit because I’m like an over tired child. I will guilt trip and shame myself for not being my full self.

That won’t change it though. The guilt, shame and ableism I will put myself through will do nought to make it any better. The mantra being to try to treat myself the way I would treat a friend going through similar. So much easier said than done.

I wish I had a magic wand for every single one of us chronic illness sufferers. This is bullshit! No one would ever sign up for this willingly.

Just keep swimming.

Anger and frustration helps no one but it’s there all the same.

This shadow human is me. It will be me from now on. No cure. No answers. No rest or respite. Just pain and brain fog until I’m dead. What a life!

Sometimes I just need to vent. To say to myself it’s ok to be sad and mad about it. Pretending I’m ok takes so much out of me but pretending is still better than giving up.

How are you doing Jo?

Shite. Forevermore shite. Half human half codeine.